- Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
- Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
- Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
- All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
- Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
- I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
- When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
- Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.
- Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
